Sunday, March 11, 2012

Treading water.

I feel out of my depth at the moment.

Little Boozle 2012

2012 is hurrying on past
while I feel like I am just standing to one side watching it go by
and am doing nothing beyond keeping my head above water.

Little Boozle 2012

Two months of this "new" year are well and truly gone
and yet I still feel like I am getting over the summer break
and getting the kids ready for the new school year.

Little Boozle 2012

Days are passing, filled with packing lunches, homework and washing...life.

Little Boozle 2012

I am madly knitting.
Obssessively knitting.
-and thinking a lot while I do it.

Little Boozle 2012

But I just feel apathetic about everything else.
My blog is neglected as I have nothing to say.
I started this blog post about my apathy...
but couldn't be bothered finishing it.
My "to do" lists are growing while I think about action
but then end up watching another day pass without any progress.

I just feel tired. So tired.
I am distracted by nothing.
I am procrastinating.
I am feeling old as each year passes so much more quickly than the last.

Little Boozle 2012

I am not depressed.
I am not overly commited.
I have no real stresses
beyond setting myself some lofty and perhaps unachievable personal goals.

But I am a mum who has insisted, quite loudly and readily until now,
 that when my youngest starts school mid-year,
I will celebrate and thrive in the sanity time
and be a better mum for the break that I get each day.

Little Boozle 2012

But now that the time is drawing ever closer,
I realise that, after nine years at home with babies, toddlers, my dependent offspring,
there will be an emptiness
and I am realising how much I am going to miss that time
that will never be revisited.

blog 2012

I am cherishing every rainbow love heart that comes my way
because I know that soon it will be less of the rainbows and more of the maths homework
and the readers.
That much of the freedom that my four year old enjoys now
will be curtailed by the regiment of school.

I am feeling a melancholia
that I want to shrug off.
I want to energise myself and slap myself across the cheek and buck up.
 I want to move forward
instead of standing knee-deep in water, getting pulled back a step
each time I take two steps forward.

I am going to make an effort.

8 comments:

Sally said...

Wow that is some fantastic knitting you've done. In this regard melancholy suits you well... but best to shrug it off I suppose. Parenting is so ambivalent, so bitter sweet. Few things are just good... with every milestone and cheer there is a time left behind never to be recaptured. I hear you Taz. Take care.

Kate said...

Just know that i understand, I hear, I feel.
I am giving you a really tight virtual hug. xx

The Handmaden said...

Hey Tas, you could always tread my path and homeschool.....
But I know how you feel, I really do. The apathy of sameness, what can feel like a constant daily grind. I often feel that. I try really hard to pull it together, to be positive, to be grateful for the everyday things - health, security, love. I know, it's hard to feel it when you just ain't feelin' it.

Hope you feel better soon, excited even. In the meantime, keep knitting those awesome things you knit :)

Tania said...

I so get it. Every bit of it. Only it's a crochet rock I'm living under. I've thought enough to theorise that all it takes is one tiny step. And then another little step straight after that. x

Karen said...

I'm another who totally 'gets' this post Tas - I feel much the same, I hope it helps to know you are not alone.
Meanwhile - wow about your knitting!!

Liz said...

Love the knitting Tas.
And hugs for everything else. I get the feeling, and I hope it passes you by soon.

Lola Nova said...

Seems I am not alone in saying that I completely understand. Could've written this post myself. Your knits are beautiful! and so are you!

Much love
xo

Dani Castley said...

I feel so in touch with how you are feeling, and I understand how consuming it is, and yet how you can feel so lost. For me the "light bulb" moment came during a shopping trip, looking at the easter eggs. There is no pretend in our family. One child is an adult, the other a teen. I don't have to create fantasy and fun for them, they create their own. I am facing the career choice, because I am just not needed at home during the day. And except for the ocassional auntie duty, there are no babies in my life. That make me saddest of all. I feel for you babe. Milestones are never easy to achieve, and its natural to mourn their passing.